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hiita lover
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PostSubject: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 10, 2014 2:51 pm

This my very first fan fic. I just want you guys think about my first fan fic.
Chapter 1 Pilot 
We are in a mission that our teacher had order us to do. That mission is to grater food for us to eat just so we don't die of hunger. Their is a girl with red hair that has a fox as a familiar her name is Hiita the fire charmer. She is the bossy girl of the 6. "Here are some good fruit. Girls & the one guy get those fruit for me." Hiita ordered "Why could't you do your self Hiita not ordered us to do your stuff for you?" Lyna asked 
"Because I don't want Dharc to look up at my shirkt." Hiita relied "I won't this time." Dharc said. "You sure about that?" Hiita asked. "I promise that" said Dharc. "Ok" said Hiita. "By the way where is Eria, Aussa & Wynn?" asked Lyna "Oh they are at the liberty Aussa wanted to get a book she relly need to read." said Dharc. "I got it. For once Dharc did not look at my shirkt like he promise." said Hiita. "Ok do we have enough food?" Lyna asked. They looked at the cart filled of food. "I think that will be it." Dharc said. 

"Ok let's get back to the village. Come now happy lover" Lyna said. They return to the village at one peace. As they arrived they are greeted by there teacher Dorido. "I see you guys passed my mission." said Dorido. "It was no problem at all." "I bet you guys are hungry." said Dorido. All 3 of there stomachs glowed. They all laughed and eat there food. As they were eating they see Aussa,Eria & Wynn walked over them. "Oh I see Aussa finlly got that book." said Hiita. "By the way what book is it?" asked Dharc. "It's the first book of the hunger games novel" said Aussa. "Aussa been looking for that book for 2 hours." said Eria. "That was too long for it's own good" said Wynn. "Sorry girls it's relly hard to find that book." said Aussa. 

"Well it is fort of you the entire time. So called smartest girl in this group." said Eria. "Well people can have that dumb moments too." said Aussa. "All of that looking around for that book makes me hungry" Wynn said. As the other 3 charmers eat their meal. "Students I got other mission for you" said Dorido. "What is it this time?" asked Hiita. "Don't worry this mission does not start utill tonight." said Dorido. "This mission is on guard duty since the guard of this village has a day off. then I tought my students will do this job. Be sure you go to the guard post tonight is that clare?" said Dorido. "Sure we can do any job." said Eria. As night comes & the charmers made there post. "Why are we on guard duty?" asked Hiita "Did you hear what Dorido said erlyer? Dharc asked back. 


"No I was too busy feeding my Fox fire to hear what she is saying." said Hiita. "She said that the guard of this village has a day off. Then she said that we are guarding this village for tonight." said Aussa. "Oh I see there are 2 guys with round hats. The other guy holds a sword. That swordsmen looks sexy love!." said Wynn. "Umm you know that he looks like he 25 & yet your like 10." said Eria. "Hey a girl can dream at least." said Wynn. "What are they bussiuss are?" asked Lyna. As the 2 people walked and stop at the gate. "Can we please get pass here?" asked the guy with Kaito's cloths. "You got to have a-" said Aussa. "PLEASE MARRY ME SEXY SWORDSMEN!" shouted Wynn. As she holds the swordsmen's leg. "Get off of my you child." said the swordsmen. As Dharc & Lyna get Wynn off the swordsmen's leg. "Sorry she act like this when she sees a good looking men." said Lyna. 

"She is wired." said the guy with Kaito's cloths. "As I was saying what bussiuss have you got in this village?" asked Aussa. "We are here to awaken the 9 gods in this village." said the swordsmen. "The 9 gods?" asked Dharc. "I never heard of this before." said Eria. "Yes the 9 gods. They are in this village." said the guy with Kaito's cloths. "I think you have to turn back. There are no gods in this village." said Hiita. "We made so manch reassure that we know they are in this village. Let us get pass or we will fight you." said the swordsmen. "We are not afired of you guys. We will fight you." said Hiita. "HIITA!" said the other 5 charmers. "You sure your going to fight us?" asked the guy with Kaito's cloths. "By the way before we get to the fighting. What are your names?" asked Wynn. "Oh I forgot about that. Well my name is Sinit swordsmen LV 5 you can called Roy. And this is my friend Number hunter." said Roy. "Roy I tought I said never give out our names." said Number hunter. "Sorry. I did not know" said Roy. "Now can we get to the fighting" said Hiita. "Sure. But please don't hurt my furher boyfriend too manch." said Wynn. "I'm never going to be your boyfriend." said Roy. As Wynn heard that she stared to cry. "Why Roy why you had to make my hart shader?" cried Wynn. "Forget it. We are going to fight. I'm fighting first." said Roy. 

"This is a good one" said Hiita. As they get there weapons ready.
End of chapter 1. I know it's a cliffhanger. but it has to be done in a cliffhanger. I know there is lot of spelling mistakes but what you got to do. Like I said this my first fan fic. I people like it I will do more. And let me know what should I do to improve it.


Last edited by hiita lover on Fri Oct 10, 2014 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 10, 2014 5:03 pm

A bit short, but you got the story's premise in there, which sounds interesting. '9 gods' huh?

First suggestion is make sure you separate the paragraphs, it's difficult to follow along properly when you have it all written in one big block like this.

Second suggestion is try to stretch out the scenes a bit to make it longer. Describe the surroundings some, let us know when there is a time skip or a location jump with quick phrases like 'once night fell' or 'they arrived at the front gate'.

Aside from that it's really just a lot of spelling and grammar errors for right now. But since you are aware of that it's pretty much a mute point.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 10, 2014 5:19 pm

Thanks for the support. I already edited the first chapter to make it look good. Like I said this is my very first fan fic.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sat Oct 11, 2014 10:06 am

Dharc pretty much said everything that needs to be said. The plot sounds like it could go somewhere interesting but due to all the spelling/grammar errors coupled with organizational issues it's kinda hard to follow what's going on. Why are they going on missions? And why is Wynn so boy crazy lol?

Also, when Dharc said "separate the paragraphs", he didn't mean just split them up into paragraphs of equal length. Paragraphs are used to outline a scene, and typically the start of a scene occurs at the start of a paragraph and the end of a scene occurs at the end of a paragraph. The way you have your scenes set up... they're currently placed across paragraphs, starting and ending randomly, so it makes it seem like there's no interruption between them. Which, if you're following the plot, doesn't make sense.

Sorry for being harsh, but you're going to need to edit it quite a bit more to make it look "good", as you say. Even though it is your very first fanfic, one thing you should always try to do is make sure your audience can follow everything clearly, and presentation is half the battle.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:01 pm

Now the long awaited chapter 2: Hiita vs Roy & Number Hunter


As Hiita has her Staff ready on her hand. "You sure your want to fight us." asked Number hunter. "You bet your ass I want to fight you. If I win you tell us who are the 9 gods are." said Hiita. "We promise we are men that will never lie" said Roy. "Let's duel!!!!!" yelled both Roy & Hiita. 

The fight starts Roy begun to attempt to kick Hiita but she doge that kick. "Now the time I will used my spiritual art." said Hiita. "Spiritual fire art- Kurenai!!!" shouted Hiita. A magical circle appears around Hiita as the magical circle disappears. A big wall of fire appears that looks like the Japanese kanji for fire that goes after both Roy & Number hunter. As they fire wall hit them both Roy just sliced the wall in halved. Then Roy swing his sword to try to cut Hiita off but failed.

 "Girls & the one guy can you help me?" asked Hiita. "Come on guys we need to help Hiita. She can't fight 2 people at once. We need someone to fight Number hunter." said Aussa. "I will fight him." said Dharc.

"Bring it on little boy." said Number Hunter. "Darkness vs light, this going to be a good fight. Just like those weak Evilswarm tribe." said Number Hunter. Then Dharc grow angry when number hunter said the Evilswarms are weak. "Don't you dare say anything about my family!!!" Dharc shouted.

 As Dharc begun charging his spirit art. Number hunter begun to lie a multiple of punches which lays a KO on dharc. "Dharc!!!" said the other 5 girls. "You know better then to fight me. Just like those weak Evilswarms he was born with. Roy we have no need to be with this village for now." said Number hunter. "Aww we just got to the good part." said Hiita. 

As the 2 left the other girls pick up Dharc put him in the hospital to be take care. "Doc is Dharc all right?" asked Eria. "He is fine. He only needs to rest for the night." said the Doc. "Thanks Dharc" said Wynn. As the other 4 girls begun walking out the door. "Hiita your not going with us?" asked Lyna. "No I want to stay with Dharc." said Hiita. "I see I understand" said Aussa. "Dharc I don't want you to go away." said Hiita.

 "Hiita" said Dharc. "I promise I will always be on girls side." said Dharc. As Dharc holds Hiita's hand. "I will never die. As long as I with you." Dharc said. As Dharc begun sleeping. 

"As long I'm with your Dharc. I will never die too. I'm also be on your side too." said Hiita.


Yes I know I did not tell who are the 9 gods since the fight was ended without a victor. So to make up for that. The next chapter will tell who are those 9 gods are. I hope you like this chapter. Is it better then the 1st one. Well this chapter has no spelling mistakes at all witch I'm so happy about. Also in chapter 3 there will be more backstory about Dharc & his family the Evilswarms.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Wed Oct 15, 2014 6:31 pm

Cool, Dharc is related to the Evilswarm. And from the sounds of it Number Hunter has fought and maybe killed many of them, so that should be real interesting.

I look forward to seeing how you handle everything, so keep it up hiita lover.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Thu Oct 16, 2014 5:50 pm

Now here is chapter 3 of the charmer's adventure story.
As the morning rises Hiita is waked as the Doc walks out of Dharc's room. Then Dharc walks out as Hiita hugs Dharc. "I'm so glad your ok Dharc" said Hiita. Dharc then smiles at Hiita as he hugs Hiita. "Let's go see the other girls." said Dharc. "Ok Dharc." said Hiita as she holds Dharc's hand. "Wait!" said the Doc. "What is it now?" asked Hiita. "Dharc needs to stay away form fights. One powerful punch or he will die" said the Doc. "Ok I won't get to any fights." said Dharc.

As Dharc & Hiita makes to the exit door of the hospital. They see the other girls waiting to see there friend good & alive. "Did I see Hiita & Dharc holding hands again or should I say always been holding there hands" said Wynn. "What wrong of us holding hands?" asked Hiita. "I think both of you are taking this relationship a little too far." said Eria. "Why does Dharc always go to Hiita when he is sad or angry?" asked Lyna. "Well here is why I like Hiita so manch." said Dharc

"You see I used to live with the Evilswams I had a happy live until the great terminal war. There are many battles then my mom and dad told me to run away to find somewhere safe, I hidden in the forest so no one can find me. Then I see the evilswarms lost that battle. Many had died then I see if my mom & dad are ok. To tell the truth they are not ok in fact they are deed. I was shocked that they are deed. I don't know who killed them. Then I decide to run away form the evilswarm I will never go back to them. I run so manch I did not ate anything at all. I thought I was about to die. Then I got saved by Hiita. Hiita then feed me, she even took care of me. Then she even asked the Laval Judgement lord if I can live here. He approves of this. I got to live in this happy life with Hiita. Then both me & Hiita ran away form her Laval tribe to go to a other place the Secret village of the spellcasters. Then we both come charmers." explained Dharc.

"Hiita why did you left the Lavals?" asked Wynn. "Well Dharc thought he had a good life in the Laval. But he is wrong. I always been whipped heard & do all of the work. Dharc tried to stop all of this but he cannot do it. I saw the sad face Dharc has when I got beat up. He even thought of run away since he had not a good time living with the Lavals. Then I thought if Dharc runs away I should run away too." explained Hiita

"This is why I like Hiita so manch. She is like a sister that I never had." said Dharc "I see. I now understand now" said Aussa. "Now we know why Dharc likes Hiita so manch. Now we need to know who are those 9 gods." said Lyna. "Maybe we need to see Doriado. She might know who are the 9 gods." said Wynn.

As the 6 charmers rushed to Doriado's house. Eria knocks on the door. Then Doraido opens the door to see her 6 students. "Oh Hi students what can I help?" asked Doraido. "We need to know who are those 9 gods." said Hiita. "I see, dark magician told me about your fight." said Doraido. Then she let a sigh. "Ok I should of not tell you this but it can't be helped. The 9 gods are slifer the sky dragon, Winged dragon of ra, Obelisk the tormentor, Uria lord of searing flames, Hamon lord of striking thunder, Raviel lord of phantasms, Odin father of the Aesir, Loki lord of the Aesir & Thor lord of Aesir. If the those 9 gods are awake are in the bad hands, this village will be destroyed & all of the people that lives in this village will die" explained Doraido. 

Then Aussa & Lyna rises their hands. "No, Thor is not the same Marvel superhero of the same name." said Doraido. "Aww." said both Aussa & Lyna. "But he is so dreamy." said Aussa. "Same here Aussa." said Lyna. "Wow I thought Wynn when she sees Roy was carzy." said Eria.

At the Castle of Number hunter. "We need to awake the 9 gods to destroy that stupid village!" shouted Number hunter. "Why you need to destroy that village anyways?" asked Roy. "Because there is this shorted person that lives that village & he needs to die." said number hunter. "That person is Dharc the dark charmer." said number hunter. "Why him?" asked Roy. "Because I used to live..." said number hunter. As number hunter pull up his sleeve there is the emblem of the steelswarm on his arm. "You see a shorted event happened in the great duel termal war witch I took a big part in Dharc's life. So he want to come to me to fight me in their village. Then you go to where the 9 gods are then once they awake we run away to let the hold village be destroyed." said number hunter.

"You want to wake the 9 gods. We are here make that job happened." said a girl voice. "Who are you & where are you?" asked number hunter. Then a hole magically appear then 4 girls come out the magical hole(don't get the wrong way you pervs). "We are the traptrix." said the purple warring  girl. "Let's say our names. I'm the leader of the traptrix, Atrax." said Atrax "I'm Myrmeleo, Atrax right hand girl." said Myrmeleo. "I'm Nepenthes" said Nepenthes "I'm Dionaea, Nepenthes' right hand girl." said Dionea.

"So what do you girls do?" asked Roy "We make trap holes." said Nepenthes. "We also transform to giant bug & plant forms." said Myrmeleo. "Hmmm... that is not a bad idea." said Number hunter. "We can make those girls to be those scary plant & bug forms. When they are running they will fall to there trap hole. Then we go to awake the 9 gods then we can destroyed & kill the charmers at once." said number hunter. "That is not a bad idea number hunter" said Roy.
Ends chapter 3.


Last edited by hiita lover on Sat Oct 18, 2014 7:09 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 17, 2014 12:34 pm

Well I personally thought Chapter 2 was kinda boring, since it was just one big fight scene followed by the aftermath. While it would break the cliffhanger, I think the writing would be stronger if Chapters 1 & 2 were combined into a single chapter, since the fight and the character relationships of Hiita and Dharc still seem to be introductory material. But, something else I don't quite get is how come Roy and Number Hunter just decided to leave after beating up Dharc when they were so adamant about getting inside the village in Chapter 1? It doesn't seem like there was a reason for them to just go away, or did I miss it?

Chapter 3 is a bit more intriguing with all the character development. I like Dharc's story, but why did Hiita run away from the Lavals? If they had a happy life there, wouldn't they stay? Interesting choices for the 9 gods, albeit slightly overdone. But... does anyone know how to awaken them? Because it doesn't look like Number Hunter and Roy know how, and I'm not sure I can believe that the mere powers of Trap Holes and transforming into insects and plants can awaken gods lol

And for future reference, if you say "(don't get the wrong way you pervs)", we're probably going to think more about it than if you don't bring it to our attention.

Also, there may not be any words misspelled but there are plenty of grammar and style errors (which spell check won't pick up btw), although I do congradulate you for trying to fix up the spacing. And some of the dialogue you have is just... awkward and unrealistic for people to say, to put it bluntly. I hate to ask you this in public, but I don't recall you ever clarifying; is your native language not English?

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Quote :
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hiita lover
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:01 pm

Hippocampus wrote:
Well I personally thought Chapter 2 was kinda boring, since it was just one big fight scene followed by the aftermath. While it would break the cliffhanger, I think the writing would be stronger if Chapters 1 & 2 were combined into a single chapter, since the fight and the character relationships of Hiita and Dharc still seem to be introductory material. But, something else I don't quite get is how come Roy and Number Hunter just decided to leave after beating up Dharc when they were so adamant about getting inside the village in Chapter 1? It doesn't seem like there was a reason for them to just go away, or did I miss it?

Chapter 3 is a bit more intriguing with all the character development. I like Dharc's story, but why did Hiita run away from the Lavals? If they had a happy life there, wouldn't they stay? Interesting choices for the 9 gods, albeit slightly overdone. But... does anyone know how to awaken them? Because it doesn't look like Number Hunter and Roy know how, and I'm not sure I can believe that the mere powers of Trap Holes and transforming into insects and plants can awaken gods lol

And for future reference, if you say "(don't get the wrong way you pervs)", we're probably going to think more about it than if you don't bring it to our attention.

Also, there may not be any words misspelled but there are plenty of grammar and style errors (which spell check won't pick up btw), although I do congradulate you for trying to fix up the spacing. And some of the dialogue you have is just... awkward and unrealistic for people to say, to put it bluntly. I hate to ask you this in public, but I don't recall you ever clarifying; is your native language not English?
It's odd English is the only language I can speek. And yet in chapter 1 has lot of misspelling because I never wote some of the words before that's why I misspelling lots of words. But if Hiita & Dharc would stay with the Lavals why would Hiita & Dharc be with Dorido & with the other charmers?
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:36 pm

hiita lover wrote:
Hippocampus wrote:
Well I personally thought Chapter 2 was kinda boring, since it was just one big fight scene followed by the aftermath. While it would break the cliffhanger, I think the writing would be stronger if Chapters 1 & 2 were combined into a single chapter, since the fight and the character relationships of Hiita and Dharc still seem to be introductory material. But, something else I don't quite get is how come Roy and Number Hunter just decided to leave after beating up Dharc when they were so adamant about getting inside the village in Chapter 1? It doesn't seem like there was a reason for them to just go away, or did I miss it?

Chapter 3 is a bit more intriguing with all the character development. I like Dharc's story, but why did Hiita run away from the Lavals? If they had a happy life there, wouldn't they stay? Interesting choices for the 9 gods, albeit slightly overdone. But... does anyone know how to awaken them? Because it doesn't look like Number Hunter and Roy know how, and I'm not sure I can believe that the mere powers of Trap Holes and transforming into insects and plants can awaken gods lol

And for future reference, if you say "(don't get the wrong way you pervs)", we're probably going to think more about it than if you don't bring it to our attention.

Also, there may not be any words misspelled but there are plenty of grammar and style errors (which spell check won't pick up btw), although I do congradulate you for trying to fix up the spacing. And some of the dialogue you have is just... awkward and unrealistic for people to say, to put it bluntly. I hate to ask you this in public, but I don't recall you ever clarifying; is your native language not English?
It's odd English is the only language I can speek. And yet in chapter 1 has lot of misspelling because I never wote some of the words before that's why I misspelling lots of words. But if Hiita & Dharc would stay with the Lavals why would Hiita & Dharc be with Dorido & with the other charmers?
Don't worry too much about your misspellings and grammar errors, I was the exact same way when I first got into writing Proof? Check out the first few chapters of my Bleach Fanfic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583596/2/Bleach-The-Soul-King-s-Story

I'm saying that as far as this being your first real attempt at story writing, you're doing okay. The longer you do this for the better you'll get at it.

As for your Hiita & Dharc subplot, Hippo does have a point. You kind of just decided what they did, but without knowing why they did it, it doesn't make much sense. Even if it was just something like 'star-cross lovers running away to be alone' at least it's a reason behind the action. But the way you have it scripted makes it like they just dropped what they were doing one day and left it behind.

Like I said though, as far as your first attempt, your doing fine for now, just keep at it.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 17, 2014 7:27 pm

Binding Dharc wrote:
hiita lover wrote:
Hippocampus wrote:
Well I personally thought Chapter 2 was kinda boring, since it was just one big fight scene followed by the aftermath. While it would break the cliffhanger, I think the writing would be stronger if Chapters 1 & 2 were combined into a single chapter, since the fight and the character relationships of Hiita and Dharc still seem to be introductory material. But, something else I don't quite get is how come Roy and Number Hunter just decided to leave after beating up Dharc when they were so adamant about getting inside the village in Chapter 1? It doesn't seem like there was a reason for them to just go away, or did I miss it?

Chapter 3 is a bit more intriguing with all the character development. I like Dharc's story, but why did Hiita run away from the Lavals? If they had a happy life there, wouldn't they stay? Interesting choices for the 9 gods, albeit slightly overdone. But... does anyone know how to awaken them? Because it doesn't look like Number Hunter and Roy know how, and I'm not sure I can believe that the mere powers of Trap Holes and transforming into insects and plants can awaken gods lol

And for future reference, if you say "(don't get the wrong way you pervs)", we're probably going to think more about it than if you don't bring it to our attention.

Also, there may not be any words misspelled but there are plenty of grammar and style errors (which spell check won't pick up btw), although I do congradulate you for trying to fix up the spacing. And some of the dialogue you have is just... awkward and unrealistic for people to say, to put it bluntly. I hate to ask you this in public, but I don't recall you ever clarifying; is your native language not English?
It's odd English is the only language I can speek. And yet in chapter 1 has lot of misspelling because I never wote some of the words before that's why I misspelling lots of words. But if Hiita & Dharc would stay with the Lavals why would Hiita & Dharc be with Dorido & with the other charmers?
Don't worry too much about your misspellings and grammar errors, I was the exact same way when I first got into writing Proof? Check out the first few chapters of my Bleach Fanfic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583596/2/Bleach-The-Soul-King-s-Story

I'm saying that as far as this being your first real attempt at story writing, you're doing okay. The longer you do this for the better you'll get at it.

As for your Hiita & Dharc subplot, Hippo does have a point. You kind of just decided what they did, but without knowing why they did it, it doesn't make much sense. Even if it was just something like 'star-cross lovers running away to be alone' at least it's a reason behind the action. But the way you have it scripted makes it like they just dropped what they were doing one day and left it behind.

Like I said though, as far as your first attempt, your doing fine for now, just keep at it.
The reason that Dharc backstory is like that is because I don't know how to do a flashback whiel Dharc is explain at the same time. In fact chapter 3 was going to be flashback chapter but since I don't know how to do flashbacks. If anyone know how to make a good flashback readable that will be nice.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 17, 2014 10:07 pm

hiita lover wrote:
It's odd English is the only language I can speek. And yet in chapter 1 has lot of misspelling because I never wote some of the words before that's why I misspelling lots of words. But if Hiita & Dharc would stay with the Lavals why would Hiita & Dharc be with Dorido & with the other charmers?
And that's PRECISELY what you should've answered in your story.

The same way how Dharc had some reason to become a Charmer, so did Hiita. In fact considering you love Hiita so much I'm surprised you didn't give her more of a conflicted backstory to draw the focus on her. So my advice to you would be to edit that chapter to include either Dharc telling more about why Hiita left the Lavals from his point of view or Hiita herself interrupting Dharc and telling more about it from her perspective. As it is, it just doesn't make sense why someone happy would leave a happy place, and I'm sure if the other Charmers were listening to this story, they would be curious about Hiita's past too (unless of course they know it already and you're purposefully not telling the reader, which is also an option to explore).

Binding Dharc wrote:
Don't worry too much about your misspellings and grammar errors, I was the exact same way when I first got into writing Proof? Check out the first few chapters of my Bleach Fanfic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583596/2/Bleach-The-Soul-King-s-Story

I'm saying that as far as this being your first real attempt at story writing, you're doing okay. The longer you do this for the better you'll get at it.
That being said, there's nothing wrong with returning to older drafts of the story at a later time and rewriting them, especially since he is receiving feedback and should know what to edit because of it. Look at Wynn's story for example - he rewrote each of his chapters twice over, and his story radically improved from what it was before, and iirc that was his first story as well. Not trying to compare stories here, but you get my point.

hiita lover wrote:
The reason that Dharc backstory is like that is because I don't know how to do a flashback whiel Dharc is explain at the same time. In fact chapter 3 was going to be flashback chapter but since I don't know how to do flashbacks. If anyone know how to make a good flashback readable that will be nice.
Tbh, there's no official way to do something like that, and there's no wrong way to do it either. Everyone's writing style is different and everyone can write flashbacks in different ways. You are free to ask anyone for help though.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sat Oct 18, 2014 5:56 pm

Now here is Chapter 4: Lyna's past
As Hiita is practicing as Doriado had order her to do. As Lyna was running as her daily exercise. "Hi Lyna" said Hiita. Lyna was huffing & puffing. Then she wipe the sweat on her face. "Hi Hiita" said Lyna. "Why are you exercising?" asked Hiita. "Well I want to keep myself fit. Maybe Dharc will love me" said Lyna. "Ummm... you should know that Dharc is intersted in me not you" said Hiita. "Well Dharc only looks at you as if you are his sister." said Lyna. "And specking of Dharc where is he?" asked Hiita. Then Wynn walked by to join this conversation. "He is with Eria doing fishing with her" said Wynn.

"Lyna can I asked you something?" asked Wynn "Sure" answered Lyna. "Since Hiita family is with the Lavals & Dharc family is with the Evilswarm. I want to asked you what is your family?" asked Wynn. Lyna let out a sigh. "I always been avoiding this for a long time. But I guess I have no choice to you this now. Orignletlly I had no family. In fact I was prisoned almost my life. I been torchered. I always been wiped so hard. Until I see a black haired girl she even bought a dog & a cat. Then she her name is Lyla lightsworn sorceress. Then she took me out that prison cell. She even let go on this big dragon. For the first time in my life I smiled & be happy. Then when Raiden saw a poster saying Dorido is looking for stundens to teach them. Wulf then took me to the village to do my trainding." explained Lyna.

"Wow! Your past is a less dark version of my past." said Hiita. "But does your perents are worried about you? You have not been with them for since 2 years" said Wynn. "I know but I pick to stay here until my tarinding is done." said Lyna. "I'm wondering what is Dharc been doing?" asked Hiita


At the lake. "How long we be sitting here?" asked Dharc "We been fishing about 6 hours." anwered Eria. Then something bite on Eria's rod. "Looks like I got something." said Eria. Then she reeled in a huge fish. "Wow! That is one huge fish you got there Eria" said Dharc. Then something bite on Dharc's rod. As Dharc reeled his rod. He let out a small fish. "Wow! That's got to be the smallest fish I seen in my life. Released it" said Eria. "No!" said Dharc. Then Eria snached the fish put it in the water. "You should know we can't eat that." said Eria. As she said that Dharc run to the water to find his fish. Then Eria used a water whip to garped his leg. "No! Let me go I must get my food." said Dharc. "What is wrong with you Dharc?" asked Eria. "We can't get good food to waste" said Dharc. Eria let out a big sigh. "Whatever, Gigobyte carry this bucket filled of fish." order Eria. "Yes ma'am." said Gigobyte. Then Gigobyte carry the bucket filled of fish. Then Eria dragged Dharc with her magic whip.

Then as Eria & Dharc enter the gate. Then say see the other 3 girls. "Eria why you dragging Dharc?" asked Hiita. "Because I want to dragged Dharc. This is more fun that way." said Eria. "Shut up Eria." said Dharc. Then Aussa walked by. "Umm...what did I missed?" said Aussa. 

"Nothing much expect you missed out on Lyna's past." said Hiita. Then Lyna tell Aussa about her past. "Your with the Lightsworn." said Aussa. "Yup. I don't know what's the big deal about it?" asked Lyna. "Lightsworns is the most popular light family ever!" said Aussa. 

"I did not know they are that popular." said Lyna. "I read many books about the lightsworn. Since you said Radin's name I used to be in love with him. He had such a sexy body." said Aussa. "Used to?! Hell you acting like you are still in love with him with the way you are saying." said Hiita. "I'm sorry but I can't help myself." said Aussa. "That is ok Aussa" said Wynn. As Eria & Dharc done cooking. "Who wants some fried fish for dinner?" asked Eria. "I could get to eat something all of this explaining makes me hungry." said Lyna.

Above the trees there is a shadowy figure. "Aussa, It's been a awhile since I last seen you. I will stop the Traptrix to even making to the gate to the Village." said the male shadowy figure. Then the shadowy figure disappears.
Ends chapter 4
In before anyone asks about the charmer's age. Hiita:12 Wynn:10 Aussa:12 Dharc:13 Eira:12 & Lyna:13. I think I did go little too far with Aussa's boy crazyness.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sat Oct 18, 2014 8:11 pm

Wow, the addition to Chapter 3 was very unexpected. I do like how you made it flow into your next paragraph pretty easily though.

Actually... it seems like all your characters get whipped in their pasts... that's sorta strange, but anyway Razz
I hate to say it, but this chapter was also kinda bland. The only thing that really happened was that they caught a fish. However, I do think the ending was the best ending of your chapters so far, because it really does hold a lot of suspense. You seem to be writing these fairly quickly, so keep it up!

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:16 pm

Hippocampus wrote:
Wow, the addition to Chapter 3 was very unexpected. I do like how you made it flow into your next paragraph pretty easily though.

Actually... it seems like all your characters get whipped in their pasts... that's sorta strange, but anyway Razz
I hate to say it, but this chapter was also kinda bland. The only thing that really happened was that they caught a fish. However, I do think the ending was the best ending of your chapters so far, because it really does hold a lot of suspense. You seem to be writing these fairly quickly, so keep it up!
Nuh I only planed for only for Hiita Dharc & Lyna's backstory to have them whipped. I thought it will be more darker to have them to be whipped. So for the next 2 chapters will be backstory. If I not going to do that someone might ask about the other charmers backstory. So the traptrix nor number hunter & Roy will not be appearing until chapter 7.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sun Oct 19, 2014 3:54 pm

Now here is chapter 5: Aussa's non whipping past

As the morning sun rises Archfiend marmot of nefariousness drops his acorn on Aussa's head. "Ow!" said Aussa. "Sorry about that master. I was trying to wake you up." said Archfiend marmot. As Aussa begins to get dressed & go downstairs to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. Then she grabs a box of cereal put it in her bowl and puts milk on her cereal. As she is done eating she hears a knock at her door. "I'm coming!" said Aussa. Then she rushed to the door then opens it. Then to see Hiita,Eria,& Wynn. 

"Hi girls" said Aussa "Hi Aussa" said Eria. "So why are you 3 here?" asked Aussa. "We are bored" said Hiita. "Why don't you 3 go play with Dharc or Lyna?" asked Aussa. "Because those 2 are not the morning type person." said Wynn. "I see you can come to my house." said Aussa. As the 3 girls walk to Aussa's house. Then Hiita notices a mark on Aussa's arm. "What is that mark on your arm?" asked Hitta. Then Aussa looks at the mark. "Oh this. That's just a birth mark." said Aussa. Then Eria grabs Aussa's arm. "It says "X-S". So what that mends?" asked Eria. "Girls! Your creeping me out." said Aussa. "We just curious." said Wynn.

"Ok I will explained everything. The mark X-S stands for X-sabers. I live with the x-sabers ever since I was born. I was happy to live with the X-sabers. I even got a bother witch for the life of me I can't remember his name nor what he looks like. It was a good life until a attack happened a blast form a dragon happened. It was Redox dragon ruler of boulders. Marauding Captain commands his army to defeat that dragon. Nothing happened, all of the marauding captain army was deed by just 1 blast of that dragon's fireball. Then my family comes to join the fight. Nothing works, it's so hard to beat this dragon until the best fighter of the x-subers. His name is XX-saber Gottoms, he sliced that dragon in halved. But as he sliced that dragon it launches a large fireball that would almost killed my family. As the blast happened my brother took me and ran. He then took me to the secart village of the spellcasters. My bother then rushed to see if my mom & dad are ok. Then he never come back. I haven't seen my brother since then." explained Aussa.

Then she see Eria & Wynn sleeping. "I should've said to them it's a long story." said Aussa. Then Hiita puts her hand on Aussa's shoulders. "At least I listened to every word of your past." said Hiita. "Thanks Hiita to at least listened to my story" said Aussa. "That is what friends are for." said Hiita.

At the forest "Umm.. Atrix why are we walking?" asked Dinoaea. "Because we might get a fight along the way. You know to get more into our skills." said Atrix. "Besides what is the worst that could happened?" asked Myrmeleo. Then they see a man standing there on the road. "Sir could you please move out of the way?" asked Nepenthes. "You should turn back." said the man. "Umm... no we are order by number hunter to go to the vill-" said Atrix. Then the man had punch all of the girls in the chest. Then all of the traptix got really mad. "You want to fight. We will give you a fight." said Myrmeleo. As the traptix made many holes on the ground. Then hid in the holes. "Witch one witch one. I wish I could tell you." said Atrax. Then the man drops in one of the holes. Then the man fell.

Then the man holds on to the ground. Then kicks Mymeleo in the back. Then Nepenthes made a punch on the man. Then the man draws his swords then tried to sliced the traptrix in halved but failed. "He has swords." said Dinoena. "Then we show him our true power." said Atrax. As they said that they tanformes into there insect & plant forms. "Bring it on!!" said the man. As the man holds his sword then the Atrax tired to eat the man but failed. Then Dinoena traps the man. Then the man sliced her in halved in result in killing her. The man did the same to the other traptrix monster in result killing all of the traptrix monsters.

"You don't dare to mess with me. I, Mystic swordsmen LV 6 aka Marth will always be protect my little sister, Aussa the earth charmer." said Marth. Then he rushes to the village. Above the trees Roy was watching the whole fight. "Marth... it's been a while since I last saw you. Looks like time has been passed. You look like a powerful fighter. But you never be a good swordsmen as good as me." said Roy. Then Roy rushes to Number hunter's castle.
Ends Chapter 5
I know I said that both Roy & Number hunter will not appear until chapter 7 but I want to have a bound between Marth & Roy in this chapter.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sun Oct 19, 2014 9:20 pm

W-w-w-w-why did you kill all the Traptrix? cries

You're horrible, I'm done with this story.


The X-S thing was a pretty neat coincidence though.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Mon Oct 20, 2014 6:10 am

Hippocampus wrote:
W-w-w-w-why did you kill all the Traptrix? cries

You're horrible, I'm done with this story.


The X-S thing was a pretty neat coincidence though.
I'm sorry Hippo but I can change it were they are not deed. Or maybe I keep 3 out the 4 traptrix were killed Atrex were kept alive.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Mon Oct 20, 2014 11:50 am

Lol it's your story; you can write it however you want. I was just so surprised that you killed them off so quickly, since we're not even done with the exposition yet.

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:00 pm

Now the long awaited chapter 6: Dharc true feelings
At number hunter's castle. "So how is the traptrix? Did they truly awaken the 9 gods?" asked number hunter. "Well sad to say this but they did not even reach the gate. In fact they are deed." said Roy. "What?! Who killed them?!" asked Number Hunter. "Well no other then my rival Marth." said Roy. "Marth? Who is he?" asked Number Hunter. "Well he is a former member of the x-saber tribe. Ever since the redox attack where almost every member is killed expect for Marth. He is one of the few living member of the x-saber tribe. Ever since I first met him he tries to be the same level of sword fighting as me. But he failed every time." explained Roy.

"I see he killed the traptrix. So what do we do now?" asked Number hunter. "Hmmm... I got to think about this" said Roy. "Oh by the way do you know or where the 9 gods are?" asked Roy. "Uhh... I did not thought about that" said Number Hunter. Roy face-pawled. "Idiot then how are we going to destroyed that village?" asked Roy. "Chill we can think a way out of this" said Number hunter. "Maybe I can get some help" said a man voice.

"Who is there?" asked Number Hunter. Then they see a black clothed man. "Who are you?" asked Roy. "My name is Magician of black chaos but you can call me Maxie. I know where the 9 gods are. Also I know how to awaked them." said Maxie. "Hmmm... take us to them." said Number Hunter. "Yes sir" said Maxie. 

At the village. Dharc want to Hiita's house to see Hiita. When he want in her house he sees Hiita wearing a Japanese yukata. "Dharc how do I look in this outfit?" said Hiita. Then Dharc blushed and put his hand at the back of his head. "You look beautiful." said Dharc. Then Hiita grapes Dharc's arm. "Thanks." said Hiita. Besides why are you dress like that?" asked Dharc. "There is this special festival that all of the girls are auditing." said Hiita. "Dharc do you want to come with us?" asked Hiita. "I can't say no to you Hiita." said Dharc. "Yay!" shouted Hiita with exatment. "So when is the festival going to started?" asked Dharc. "It starts at 8:00 PM. So be there Dharc." said Hiita.

"By the way are you the only one wearing that yukata? Or are the other girls are wearing that?" asked Dharc. "Yes they do." said Hiita. "Do I have to wear that?" asked Dharc. "I was going with that idea but you would look ugly in that outfit. Sorry if I called your ugly." said Hiita. "That is ok." said Dharc. "What's going to be in the festival?" asked Dharc. "There going to be fireworks, food, even a concert." said Hiita.

As Dharc want out of Hiita's house. He sees all of the other 5 girls come to see Dharc. They are also wearing the same outfit as Hiita but with a different color. "Hey Dharc did Hiita told you we are going to this festival?" asked Eria. "Yes she did told me that. Yes I'm going to the festival." said Dharc. As Dharc want to his house & goes to his room. "I want to tell Hiita my true feelings,but I couldn't find a good time to tell her that" said Dharc in his head. Then Meda bat comes in his room. "I know how are you felling" said Meda bat "How you know what I'm thinking?" asked Dharc. "Because I'm a special kind of bat that reads people's mind." said Meda bat.

"Yes,but maybe Hiita only looks at me as her bother." said Dharc. "Maybe the festival is the perfect time to tell her your true feelings." said Meda bat. "Your right. I'm will not be a whip,I'm going to tell her my true feelings." said Dharc

As 8:00 PM comes, the festival comes. The charmers come to the festival. Then Eria,Wynn & Aussa's stomachs glowered. "I'm hungry." said Eria. Then they comes to the food stand to feed Eria Wynn & Aussa. Then they see the concert witch is the Ice barrier band. Then the final part of the festival comes to be. "Dharc the fireworks I want to see this." said Lyna. As the men light up the fireworks and they want up to the sky. They watched the fireworks blow up in the sky aswell as looking the the different colors in the sky. "Dharc remember you said your going to tell Hiita." said Meda bat. "Oh yeah. Thanks for reminded me" said Dharc. "Girls I need to talk to Hiita & this is privet." said Dharc.

Then Dharc took Hiita to a empty ally way. "Dharc why are we here?" asked Dharc. "Hiita I always want to say this to you." said Dharc. "What is it then?" asked Hiita. "Hiita... I... I... I... love you." said Dharc.  "Oh really." said Hiita. "Yes I always loved you. Ever since I first met you I had this felling that we are connected." said Dharc. "Why did you not tell me that sooner?" asked Hiita. "I was neverous. I counld't have the time to tell you this." "Dharc I also want to say this." said Hiita. "What is it?" asked Dharc. "I love you too." said Hiita. "Your be far the cutest guy I ever met, and thanks for caring for me." said Hiita. "No problem. That what you get for being the cutest girl I ever met" said Dharc. Then Hiita kissed Dharc showing their love for each other as the last 3 fireworks blow up in the sky. 

"Where is Hiita & Dharc?" asked Wynn. "I don't know. Eria can you find them?" asked Aussa. "Sure." said Eria. Eria looked everywhere until she sees Dharc & Hiita kissing in a ally way. "Awww... I know you two will love each other." said Eria.

Ends Chapter 6.
The reason I did not post a chapter in 5 days. Because I had to do lots of homework. You know school always comes first then writing a chapter to the internet. So I hope this is worth the wait. This is by far the longest chapter I ever typed in.
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:18 am

Inb4 Maxie is killed by someone named Archie

This story has a knack of having major events happen in the middle like they're nothing. Oh well, makes me wonder what your real big finale will be Wink

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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:21 am

Now for chapter 7 Eria's past & Dharc's birthday.

As Marth rushed to the village to see his sister. As he reached to the gate, then he sees his sister & Wynn in a restaurant eating their lunch. "Little sis!" yelled Marth. Then Aussa sees a man with white clothes. "Who are you?" asked Aussa. "You don't remember me? It's me Marth." said Marth. "Aussa you did say you have a brother." said Wynn. "I do but I can't remember his name." said Aussa. "Aussa I said my name is Marth." said Marth. "Now I remember now. Your my big brother." said Aussa. Then she rushed to her brother & hugs him.

"Its been a long time I even see you." said Aussa. "I know. I'm sorry that I did not come back to tell you the good news." said Marth. "What's the good news?" asked Aussa. "Well do you remember the Redox attack?" asked Marth. Then Aussa remember that day. "Well that blast almost killed the whole x-saber tirbe expect me,Aussa,mom & grandpa." said Marth. "I see... well at least your still alive big brother. Are you still with the x-subers?" asked Aussa. "That's where the sad news comes in play. I quit the x-saber clan." said Marth. "Why did you quit?" asked Aussa.

"Because all if the X-suber army are deed there is no point in being with them." said Marth. Then Dharc runs to see Aussa & Wynn. "Who is that guy?" asked Dharc. "This is my big brother,Marth." said Aussa. "Nice to meet you." said Marth. As he said that he held out his hand and shakes Dharc's hand. "If you excuse me I had to go." said Marth. "Where are you going?" asked Wynn. "I'm going to the forest to do my daily training. Just so I could beat that Roy." said Marth.

"Roy?!" said all of the charmers. "What about him?" asked Marth. "We know him." said Hiita. "How did you know him?" asked Marth. "We first seen him at the gate 6 days ago." said Lyna. "In fact Hiita even fought him." said Eria. "Don't forget that he is with Number hunter." said Wynn. "I see... Well I will leave now. I must beat Roy." said Marth. "Wait before you go I want one more question to ask you." said Eria. "Ask away." said Marth. "Why do you want to beat Roy?" asked Eria. "Because I need to get revange. He is a rival to me. I will see you guys soon." said Marth.

As Marth rushed to the forest to do his daily training. "Why I'm here for?" asked Dharc to himself. "Umm...toady is a special day." said Hiita. "Oh yeah today is my birthday." said Dharc. "Happy birthday Dharc." said Eria. "So when your birthday party going to start?" asked Aussa. "Not for awhile." said Dharc. "While we are waiting why not Eria tell her about her past." said Lyna.

"Ok...well out of all of the charmers me & Wynn are the only ones that actlly know each other. Is that right Wynn?" asked Eria. "Yes because the Ghiski is a ally of the gusto tribe. The only reson why the Gusto & the Ghiski tribe are allys is so just so Airel can just make out with Winda witch is my big sister." explained Wynn. "Then here comes the sad part of my past. It's on my 6th birthday, I had the greatest time I ever had until the world government come to my home to arrest Noellia for cuseing the killing of Emila. Also they killed the Ghiski greatest monsters. I was crying when that happened. In fact many of the Ghiski people did fought the government agents but they are no match at all. In fact I was crying so hard I run off I don't want to see my family get killed. Then I run to the Gusto tribe where I first meet Wynn. I did talk to her of what happened she did fell my pain. Then Winda sent us to go to the secret village of the spellcaster to become great charmers." explained Eria.

"Wow. That is one sad past." said Hiita. "Hey it's time for my birthday party." said Dharc. "Oh let's get going." said Lyna. When the rest of the charmers & Doraido came to Dharc's house to have Dharc's birthday. Then Doraido give Dharc a big cake. "Blow out the candles" said Doraido. Then Dharc blows the candles. Then Wynn gives Dharc her present. It's a key mouse doll. "I love it! Thanks Wynn." said Dharc. "Your welcome." said Wynn. Then Eria comes to Dharc to give him his present. It's a flower. "Thanks Eria." said Dharc. "No problem Dharc." said Eria. Then Happy lover give Dharc Lyna's present. It's a Dharc clay figure. "I made it myself." said Lyna. Then Aussa comes to give Dharc his present. It's Vol.1 of the one piece manga. "Please read it. It's so good." said Aussa. "I well Aussa." said Dharc. Then Doraido comes to give Dharc his present. It's a bike. "Wow! this looks awesome. I always want to ride a bike." said Dharc. "That for being my favorite student." said Doraido. The only one who did not give Dharc a present is Hiita.

"Where is my present Hiita?" asked Dharc. "I did not give you one." said Hiita. Then everyone looked shocked. "Why did you not give Dharc a present?" asked Doraido. "I thought you love him." said Lyna. "I do love Dharc. Here is why, just being in this party is the only present I can give him." said Hiita. Then Hiita kissed Dharc.
Ends chapter 7
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Hippocampus
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:53 pm

If I was Dharc, I'd want more than just a kiss for my birthday, iykwim Razz

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hiita lover
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PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:47 am

Hippocampus wrote:
If I was Dharc, I'd want more than just a kiss for my birthday, iykwim Razz
I bet you would hug her Wink. I would kissed her & take her to the park if I was Dharc.
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Hippocampus
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Posts : 1868
Charmer Power : 582
Join date : 2013-06-01
Age : 25
Favorite Charmer : Wynn
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Character sheet
Name: Theodore Tsakiris
HP:
500/500  (500/500)
MP:
200/200  (200/200)

PostSubject: Re: Charmer's adventure    Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:03 am

hiita lover wrote:
I bet you would hug her Wink.
You innocent little boy Rolling Eyes

Try thinking more along the lines of stuff you wouldn't do in public... It's a special day, you know hmpfh

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